It’s my toothpaste and I’ll squeeze if I want to

For the last couple of weeks I have noticed something odd going on with my toothpaste.

Now I know we all have our little OCD tendencies (I HAVE TO shake out my duvet before I crawl in to bed at night otherwise the spider that is lurking under there is definitely going to bite my ankles) but the upkeep of my toothpaste tube has never been one of them.

That is why over the last week or so I have seriously started to doubt my own sanity.

Every time I go to brush my teeth (morning, night or after a particularly garlicky kebab) I’ve found my toothpaste tube in a constant state of immaculateness. It’s been squeezed to perfection so that all residual toothpaste now resides in the top quarter of the tube.

Handy, yes…

But my handy work? Oh hell no!

Has the tooth fairy upped her hours? Is she now a slave to overtime like the rest of us – her out of hours spent whizzing around my bathroom inspecting my toothpaste upkeep?

I decided to experiment.

I began to purposefully screw up the tube into a twisted unmanageable mess. I left the cap off. I left it balanced precariously on the side of the sink. I even went as far as smearing the outside with its own precious contents so that that pesky little fairy would get covered in the stuff and maybe think twice next time about TOUCHING MY THINGS!

But still, every morning and every night there it would be. Smoothed out, cap on and placed neatly back in its holder next to my toothbrush.

I asked one of my housemates.

“Gustavo, have you been using my toothpaste? I mean I don’t mind, I’m just getting freaked out ‘cause every time I go to use it it’s been squeezed really frickin’ neatly from the bottom and I’m not the one doing it. I just don’t care that much about toothpaste economy.”

Turns out, the same thing had been happening with his toothpaste!

IT’S A PANDEMIC!

Now, I’m not delusional. I don’t actually think there is a toothpaste fairy in my bathroom tidying up my stuff. So when Gustavo told me the same thing was happening to him the only explanation was that it was the doing of our other housemate, Esperanza (…ok, these pseudonyms are getting rather ridiculous now.)

This leaves me just a little bit confused. Is this an act of kindness or an act of control? Should I be thankful or threatened?

Do I let her know, that I know?

Esperanza, I know what you’re doing. KEEP YOUR GRUBBY MITTS OFF MY TOOTH CARE PRODUCTS, PUNK!…  (Oh crap, why is my assertive voice manifesting itself as a member of the cast of Annie?)

Or maybe she already knows that I know? She did straighten out the tube even after my creative attempt to make it as messy as possible…Is her maintenance of my toothpaste tube an act of defiance against my initial act of defiance?

WHEN WILL THIS TOOTHPASTE INCEPTION END?!

Now I’m worried about what comes next. What if she sees me pair my socks one time and doesn’t like the way I do it. Is she going to go in to my room, sort through my underwear drawer and pair them again, her way!?

Ooo I dare you!

You’ll get a shock if you go in there 😉

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It’s my toothpaste and I’ll squeeze if I want to

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