‘Tis the season to be floodlit

Here are some things that I think define me as a person:

  1. Hats
  2. Blueberry muffins
  3. Laughing at pretty much EVERYTHING (even when I was 16 and getting told off in the middle of whole school assembly for chatting. Apparently my face found the idea of Mr Hills shouting at me HILARIOUS! I can still see my friends eyes all wide and staring at me in an attempt to say “Dude, stop laughing! You’re meant to be being disciplined right now.”)

But today, today is the day that I truly began to understand myself.  Who am I? What sort of person am I? Questions I have asked myself on many an occasion, but to which I have never found the answer to.

Today that all changed. Today I know who I am.

I am the girl, who embraced whole heartedly, Christmas jumper day in the office.

Not enough was it to don a cardi with a cute penguin on the front, or a hoodie with a trendy snowflake design. I wanted something spectacular, something I could get excited about; something that really invoked the tackiness and festivity that this magical holiday is all about.

I needed LIGHT!

I was on a mission for the jumper of my dreams. I searched high and low. Battling through blizzards, orienteering along icy cobbles – all the while swerving hell bent shoppers as they stampeded down Oxford Street. But my toil was not in vain, for after many hours of searching I found it at last. Hidden in a forgotten corner of Primark there it was – a lumpy, shapeless, itchy Christmas jumper…

It was the kind of jumper we had in the Christmases of yore, the good ol’ days; the days when people were actually embarrassed by their festive fashion! (By good ol’ days I of course mean 1996 when my Grandma knitted me a Flintstone themed Xmas jumper that was 3 sizes too big and gave me a rash. I loved that thing!).

The original Christmas jumper was back! But this time, it had a battery pack!

It was all I had hoped it would be – my retro Xmas jumper with a modern twist.  On the front was an enchanting winter scene with all the works.  Snow covered lodge, bedecked Christmas tree, delicate falling snow, A MAZE OF LED LIGHTS THAT LIT UP WHEN YOU FLICKED A SWITCH!

And today was the day I got to wear this majesty of woollen artistry to work. I was so excited! Everyone was going to love it and I would become the office queen of comedy. More importantly, if anything was going to guarantee me a cheeky snog from the hot guy in Assurance at this year’s Christmas party, this jumper was going to do it.

I walked to my desk, awaiting the shower of praise.

“Yeah it’s funny, how are you going to wash it though?”

Is that all you have to say?




Moral!Do NOT spend £20 on a battery powered jumper with a Christmas tree on the front. No one will care and you’ll overheat under the cheap polyester and florescent office lights.

Bah humbug.

‘Tis the season to be floodlit